The closet is a scary place, but sometimes it’s the only shield gay men have.

Content warning: This article contains discussions of the author’s personal experiences with homophobia, as well as mentions of homophobic slurs and references to the treatment of gay men in other countries.

“I’m gay.” It’s a sentence I never would’ve uttered ten years ago. Because, like many gay men, I was a captive of a dark, secretive prison, much like Shane, Ilya, and Scott.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re more than likely aware of the Crave/HBO Max (distributed) series Heated Rivalry. Its story focuses on the hot, steamy love (and sex) between Ilya Rozanov and Shane Hollander, two players for the MLH (the stand-in for the NHL). However, there’s an unseen antagonist, just off-screen at all times: the closet.

There’s a lot I can say about the crushing weight of living in the closet, and wanting to be with someone so deeply that it drives you crazy. It’s also what drives our two leading men. Shane and Ilya have to carefully sneak around in order to be with each other. But, subconscious barriers place themselves in each man’s way. Ilya wants to give himself into the moment, but Shane is very reserved and nervous. It ultimately makes their initial encounters tense and all too brief. 

Shane wants a life of his own, free of his parents’ constant railroading. Ilya has the weight of Russian culture and his family weighing him down. He does what he can to appease his family, but they do not care about his happiness. Only his fame and money. His brother is actively extorting him for money, and his father is a cold, stern, and powerful government official who demands little more than Ilya always winning.

For many closeted men, what society and our families want dictates our lives. We’re having to be someone else. Never our true selves. With Shane, Ilya can briefly have a lot more confidence and freedom. Ilya, on the other hand, will have moments when he can be carefree, kind, considerate, and loving. Then, it’s time for the “asshole” persona again. And I understand it all too well. In my case, I was being driven by fear to be someone else. It made me hate myself. The closet was like a mask that was slowly suffocating me.

I knew I was gay when I was twelve. One day, I just knew I’d rather be with a man. But society wanted me to be something else. And it would demonstrate that to me. Violently, if needed. I remember reading about the murder of Matthew Shepard in 1998, while I was still in middle school. He was beaten and left to die in the cold because he was gay. It was a stark and terrifying reminder that I wouldn’t truly be safe if I came out. That understanding was coupled with statements I heard from adults denigrating gay men.

“If my son was a f*gg*t, I’d want to kill him.” “The Bible says ‘Adam and Eve’, not ‘Adam and Steve!’”, “Matthew Shepard got what he deserved!” Stuff like this was everywhere. I never felt safe as a kid, and even as an adult, and I trained myself to be overly cautious. Worse yet, I was being taught to hate myself by the people around me.

Both Shane and Ilya remind me a lot of myself when I was younger. I needed to constantly prove my manliness to throw people off the scent. And it drove me to recklessnesss. During my last year of high school, I joined the Marine Corps. Not really because of any kind of patriotism, but I needed the money for college. It’d also remove any suspicion about my masculinity. I couldn’t be seen as queer if I was a hard-charging Marine, right?

Obviously, it didn’t work. I couldn’t shake my desire for another man. I began sneaking around, using the internet to hook up with random guys off-base. The potential humiliation of being found out began to drive me insane. I wanted to just be myself. I had to be strategic, so I wouldn’t be caught, ostracized, and potentially kicked out of my home. I didn’t want to be the butt of everyone’s jokes. It broke me down. I nearly took my own life, but was thankfully stopped by my sergeant, who checked up on me when I was late for an event. After months of hospitalization, verbal abuse, and suffering in the closet, I finally got a (thankfully honorable) discharge from the Marines. I kept my secret, but was it worth the price on my psyche? No. Emphatically no.

Shane and Ilya’s careers are also on the line. In 2008, during their rookie years, support for gay rights was still relatively fresh. While Shane was relatively fine in Canada, Ilya could have been jailed in Russia. Or hunted down and possibly killed, if he was in Chechnya. And so, Ilya has to live an exhausting double-life, like all gay men in the closet do. Both men, however, could experience a bit of release, freedom, and happiness in each other’s arms.

No matter if they were together or apart, they had to be secretive and strategic. They even use pseudonyms to throw off any suspicions. Ilya became “Lily” and Shane was “Jane”. I was always meeting with a “college buddy” or “someone I knew in high school.” Sometimes, I used an online persona to mask my true identity. Men who met with me didn’t know my real name, and they never would. I could take off my clothes, but I could never take off my armor. And, in some cases, neither could the man I was meeting with.

Another player, Scott Hunter, begins dating a smoothie shop employee named Kip Grady. They instantly fall for each other. Under the guise of a pre-game ritual, Scott keeps coming back to see Kip. And he, in turn, goes out of his way to encounter Scott. Another chance encounter at a party leads to them hooking up. Scott’s game, both on and off the ice, improves as a result of his relationship with Kip.

Scott’s genuinely happy, but he’s stuck. He doesn’t feel like he can come out, and asks Kip to keep his secret. Kip’s friends know, though. It’s as plain as day that they’re gaga for each other. They’re living the life Scott has only ever dreamed of. Scott feels truly free with Kip. However, Kip’s friend, Elena, brings Scott back to reality and points out that the relationship is unsustainable. The closet is a prison, and it’s killing Kip. Elena promises to be discreet, but she wants both of them to have sunshine in their lives. She wants them to be free of secrets and live their lives together. Openly.

Scott’s hesitance to be open about himself causes a rift between them and Kip leaves the apartment where they’ve been living together in secret.. The shot where Scott is outside of a bar looking in at Kip’s birthday and grad school acceptance party is devastating. The people inside are free and happy. He’s outside in the cold rain, looking in on what he feels he can never have. Scott could save this relationship, if only he could exit the closet. He could be inside celebrating. Happy, with the man that loves him.

I’ve also felt like an outsider looking in at times in my past. I wanted a life in the warmth of another man’s arms, but was too afraid to step out of my own cage in order to meet him. Seeing my happy, openly queer friends made me envious of the life I didn’t think I could have. I was exhausted with being stuck trying to live a life outside of what I wanted. Men like me have a choice: continue wearing our chains, or discard them and venture into the dangerous unknown. I carried mine for far too long.

Meanwhile, the pressure of Shane and Ilya’s situation causes cracks in their relationship. In this case, both men say each other’s first name for the first time, and this freaks Shane out. He leaves Ilya, probably because he thinks he’s getting too close. Shane attempts to distance himself from his true feelings by pretending to be straight. Specifically by dating Rose, an actress he meets at a party. His desire for Ilya, however, never lets go of him. He can’t run away from his feelings for the man he’s come to love.

There’s a scene in a club in the fourth episode where Shane and Ilya encounter one another and attempt to make each other jealous with the women they’re dancing with. The song playing in the background isn’t a contemporary one, however. It’s a version of the Russian pop duo t.A.T.u’s catchy pop song, “All The Things She Said”. It starts with the duo, but then changes to Harrison’s remix, which is sung by him. It’s a very interesting choice, considering the duo’s lesbian image was completely made up for marketing purposes. However, it works for this scene. Both men are projecting an image of heterosexuality, but like t.A.T.u’s facade, it’s a complete fabrication. Just like mine was.

Ironically, that song was playing when I was at a military entrance processing station (MEPS) the day I shipped out for boot camp. I was sitting there, creating lies for myself. And this song started playing over the speakers (from a local radio station). Hoping that the Marines would “straighten” me out. “Make a man out of me.” “Cure” me. In reality, I was worried about having to evade the infamous “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.

And just because the military didn’t ask doesn’t mean that military personnel weren’t vigilant for it. The day I got my DD-214 and left the Marine Corps, I breathed a sigh of relief. That same day, as I was preparing to leave, a group of Marines were discussing a possible investigation into two guys who were allegedly having sex in a bathroom stall. One last reminder for the road, I guess.

In the fifth episode, Rose meets up with Shane, and begins asking probing questions about the MLH and if there are any gay players in the league. She alludes to having guessed that Shane was gay. He breaks down and tells her. She isn’t irritated or hateful, but wants Shane to be happy. They decide to remain friends, and she pledges to support him. And honestly, that’s the way it should be.

After this, Shane and Ilya meet up once again. Shane admits that he’s gay to Ilya. While the latter initially brushes the statement off, Shane notes that he doesn’t really have many people he can talk to about it. It’s an important first step to tell yourself that you’re gay. I wrestled for years in college and in my career on saying it. It was so hard to do. Toxic masculinity, feelings of shame, and fear of the unknown held me back.

After Shane’s confession, Ilya’s armor begins to crack. He then talks about his own sexuality and his fear of going back to Russia. Which Ilya has to do in the next scene, when his father dies. After an intense post-funeral dinner, he and his brother Alexei argue about money. The latter insults Svetlana, Ilya’s childhood friend and occasional “lover,” leading Ilya to lash out and tell his brother to never contact him again, or he’ll make his life a living hell. After the fight ends, and Alexei leaves, Svetlana comforts Ilya and lets him know that she’s aware he’s in love with “Jane,” who she knows is a man, but she still loves him anyway.

Ilya then calls Shane from Russia, but says that he doesn’t know what to say. Not in English, anyway. Shane asks him to say what he’d like to say in Russian. Ilya laments not feeling like he was doing enough, despite providing for his family’s every whim. He hates Russia, and doesn’t want to return. He says that all he can think of is Shane, and that he loves him. It’s an incredible and powerful moment, set to the beautiful first movement of Beethoven’s “Moonlight Sonata”. Sometimes, speaking from the heart helps in the healing process. Especially when talking to a loved one.

The relationship mended, Shane and Ilya reunited and face off again on the ice. Shane is injured and hospitalized during this game, though. Ilya visits the hospital, and is invited to stay the summer at Shane’s cottage. He’s hesitant, though. It’s a sign that Shane wants to move on to the next stage of their relationship. And he thinks he isn’t ready.

Later, at the Not-Stanley Cup (which neither Ilya nor Shane play in), which Scott and the Admirals win, Scott realizes that this needs to be the time to be honest with the world. He finally summons the courage to invite Kip down to the ice to be with the players and their loved ones. He finally wants to be in the sunshine with the man he loves. He’s tired of living in a world of lies and darkness. In front of the stadium, with the rest of the world watching, they kiss. There is no statement of “I’m gay” to the audience. Just an affirmation of Kip and Scott’s feelings on the ice. And it’s met with admiration from the announcers and cheers from the audience.

It takes courage to come out. Some people never leave the closet. I was afraid I wouldn’t either. One April afternoon in 2019, I realized I was sick of it. All the hiding, all the looking over my shoulder, all the coded language. I was a human being, who deserved his own sunshine. I came out to friends over social media. I was met with love, and I cried into my lunch as I read the comments. The closet held no power over me anymore. I was free to enjoy my life with whomever I loved. It’s only a shame that I didn’t have a Scott or Kip already at my side, though. That said, there was still one person I hadn’t told yet. My father.

Scott’s display at the Cup is the catalyst for Shane and Ilya to get serious about their relationship. It causes them to think about what they want for once. To take off the masks and be themselves, rather than the public personas they’ve crafted. Even if it’s just in their own company for a couple of weeks. They begin to talk about the future they desire, but plan to remain in the closet for the time being. Shane wants to start a charity, so that their heated rivalry can be turned into a friendship. He also suggests Ilya join the team in Ottawa, since he’s now a free agent. This will allow them to be closer to each other, while building up to their eventual coming out, when they can exchange the closet for the cottage.

I get why they’re doing it. While Scott Hunter was able to come out publicly, not everyone feels safe doing that. The closet can, despite its issues, be a lifesaver for many people. Especially since the waters are still untested for how Scott will be treated in the next MLH season. It is a literal game changer in the hockey world, just like it would be now… if a current NHL player came out, anyway.

However, things go awry when Shane’s dad catches them kissing. David, Shane’s dad, leaves in a hurry, and Shane breaks down worrying. Ilya, understanding what needs to be done, comforts him and offers to be there for Shane when he comes out to his parents. They, of course, pepper the two with questions, like most parents of a gay child would (provided they aren’t angry or don’t understand, which is always the fear), but are pretty accepting.

Shane’s mother is upset with herself for feeling like Shane couldn’t be honest with her. They hug and allow a new chapter in their lives to start. She still wants to help her son prepare to come out, with a litany of statements and press releases. Shane reminds her that he’s not ready to come out publicly yet. This discussion overwhelms him, but Ilya comforts him by calling him his boyfriend for the first time. This helps him understand that he’s not alone. He has loved ones who will back him up. Satisfied, they leave and drive into the future, content, but cautiously preparing for the long game.

Coming out to a parent is rough. I remember struggling with breath as I tried to tell my dad. I finally got out the words (shaky as I was), ready for anger or disappointment. But he just… understood. He thought I was asexual, comically enough. But, my dad’s acceptance, like Shane’s parents, lifted a huge weight off of me. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that if it felt like such a gamble. With your friends, you usually know where they stand. With your parents, all kinds of doubts can take root in your mind. Regardless of the outcome, I made the right choice to tell him. It cleared the air between us.

Overall, Heated Rivalry was a pretty accurate depiction of the struggles gay men have while living in the closet. That said, I’m not blind to the realities of the closet, despite not having to be in it anymore. It’s still a necessity for so many people. And, there are still many cases where it’s not safe to come out: danger from family or your community, fear of losing a job or status, or even just not being in the right mental state for it. The closet has its uses, and it’s still a shield for those that need it. I only hope one day it’s completely unnecessary.

I’m also happy to see the positive reception of the show. Empty Netters, a hockey podcast with three straight men, were enjoying the story and cheering on Scott, Kip, Shane, and Ilya. Hell, they even used their influence to teach more people about hockey. Even the Ottawa Senators are using the moment to sell Heated Rivalry inspired jerseys as a fundraiser for Ottawa Pride Hockey. It’s a big shift from when I was a teenager. My younger self couldn’t have imagined a world where a show about gay men sharing tender moments is one of the most popular TV shows in history. Where they’re not ridiculed or mocked, killed, die tragically, or cancelled after one season. It’s such a seismic shift from when I was younger. The world is becoming more open to seeing queer stories, and I can’t even begin to describe the joy I feel.

I’m 42 years old now, and every time I think about just how much has changed, I begin to cry tears of joy. The acceptance I yearned for as a teenager and as a young man feels unreal, but it’s finally here. It’s also giving many openly gay men hope. And I get to live to see it happen. To the men who didn’t make it this far: I wish you could’ve been here with us to see this moment. I only hope we all can keep this train rolling. Not just for gay men, but for oppressed peoples everywhere.

For the first time in a long time, I have hope for a better tomorrow. For future generations of gay men. For those that are yet unborn who may never have to worry about prejudice. And, maybe one day, queer stories of all kinds can be told and appreciated. So much can change, if we change attitudes, and work to improve society. The NHL should change, and accept openly gay men, without fear of retribution. There have even been some private discussions between Hudson Williams and closeted athletes thanking him for being on the show. The closet can be dark and gloomy, mostly because it can feel like there’s no hope to ever come out. A show like this shows the realities that many gay men, like myself, have faced in the past. We need these stories, because gay men like me almost get the type of closure we see in this TV show. We need more shows like Heated Rivalry to help us get stronger, better, and more nuanced portrayals in the media. Instead of just being tragic figures or are there for a straight character’s benefit. Someone that looks, acts, and feels like a living gay man, instead of a caricature or cardboard cutout. Representation is like a one-timer. It gives us a chance to get that much-needed goal against homophobia, in a game that’s long been in overtime. When we finally score that winning shot, it’s not just gay men that’ll benefit, but we’ll all be holding the cup above our heads together.